Online dating in the Bible Belt

Shortly after coming out, I realized I needed to meet gay people. Unfortunately, that was during 2020, so we were locked up in our houses for the 9+ months. Luckily, like everything else during this covid debacle, technology saved allowed me to meet folks while maintaining social distance virtually. I entered the virtual dating/chatting world. Also, there are not a lot of safe spaces for queer people, so technology is helpful there too. It's a double-edged sword, for sure.

First, many of the apps are just like they are described. A lot of people are just looking for a hookup. Chatting is brief for many who aren't there to meet people. I get it; no shame, just not what I was looking for. I was new to this world and wanted to make friends and understand what gay culture looked like in my town.

I always used my face pic, and I had nothing to hide fo the first time in my life. I met so many great people, and I met some not-so-great people. Overall my experience was very positive. I posted on Facebook that I often would run into people I knew and many of them from evangelical circles.

You can imagine my surprise seeing "happily" married men chatting with me, sending inappropriate pictures, and seeking to hook up. I could immediately sympathize with these folks. I asked a lot of questions to see if they did this often. I always advocated for them to be honest with their spouse. I warned them about all the things they could expose their spouse to if they were not careful. BUT, I will never out anyone. I would ask them if we could have coffee or a face-to-face conversation. A few of them took me up on the offer. Now that I know sexuality is more on a spectrum than anything, I never pressured them into thinking they were gay. I know that gay people are often accused of this, but honestly, our conversations were about why they were acting out this way. Many were rumbling with coming to terms with their sexuality, while others said they were still very attracted to the wives. I ALWAYS suggested the get Jay Stringer's book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. This book has helped so many people, and while most evangelical spaces reject its teaching, it is highly recommended by Licensed Professional Counselors.

What's sad is they often said in their church that they heard how terrible homosexuality was and had no one they could trust to work through these feelings. This is the real American tragedy. The church isn't a place for you to work out your feelings. Now, hear me, NEVER got to your church for counseling. EVER. In my opinion, the church is a place where people should be allowed to walk through these things without judgment or pressure to fit inside the narrative or dichotomy that the churches currently create. BUT the church should be a safe place for people.

I know this isn't true. I saw with my eyes how the church encouraged people to stop being around people who were "sinning," Of course, misusing scriptures the whole time. It was something I have seen play out time after time. I think this dynamic comes from the leadership or leading pastors themselves. Often, the leaders don't know how to handle these types of things, and that's why they fail to meet the needs of their congregation. They use "soft on sin" or "that's demonic" to distance themselves and show dominance. Of course, with the backdrop of Jesus, who was willing to meet people where they are AT ALL TIMES. I find this practice to be telling.

The irony of churches spewing homophobia from the pulpit while disenfranchising their congregation and now asking why people are leaving in droves is not lost on me. I feel the church that doesn't allow people to work out within its walls will lose its relevance in the next 10-20 years. I know that sentence will empower many evangelicals with the thoughts, "Relevancy is not what we're after." I don't mean it in the cultural sense, but more in the death to those systems sense.

I will be honest; too, I think the purity culture teachings still happening in evangelical youth groups have much to do with this. Purity culture is the teaching that sex is bad, don't do it. It's particularly troublesome for women because they cause men's lust. After all, men sure can't just take responsibility. How that affects people that are not cis-gendered straight is that nothing is taught to them other than any urge is terrible. It sounds preposterous because I now know that sexual urges are natural. Also, purity culture never makes space for consent. The millennial generation is ill-equipped to understand the world, and the purity culture teachings sure cause trauma issues in many people. I have talked to many men and women who say the purity culture teaching and subsequent rhetoric showed up terribly in their marriages, causing many to deconstruct their faith.

At the end of the day, I sure hope people know I am a safe space. I get that being inside the walls of non-affirming spaces can be very tough. We hear the rhetoric. In my last blog, I mentioned that E

vangelicalism is a country club for the privileged, and I got a lot of feedback about that line. I stand by that, and I will add this: The actual four walls of the church are the facades people have built around themselves. The actual four walls of the church are the facades people have built around themselves. Being vulnerable is not taught, so naturally, struggling with your sexuality is something you would never feel comfortable talking about.

Vaya con Dios