Things I've Heard

I often get asked why I write so personally. I hope to address these questions and rumors in this blog. I don't have a lot of new things to share, but maybe I can add some context to things I have shared over the past two years. So many have been encouraging, and I appreciate that kindness in a world that seems hellbent on being cruel. I hope that seeing things through my eyes will show those who throw stones that they can put them down and see people for who they indeed are. This is my response.

Rumor Mill

I started blogging to set the record right. I have heard so many rumors about myself; they have been hurtful and harmful, and some are downright hysterical. The goal was to share what was happening without disrespecting anyone I was formerly associated with. Now, you're going to read that last line and think, but what about your former faith experience? I have been hard on the institution but never on individuals. It's never about the people. It's about the oppressive system that tells so many people in my now-adopted community that they are not necessary and even that they are not worthy. That is never okay, and I will call all that out whenever I see it. The power of inclusivity is the spirit that God adores and is His Spirit incarnate. I heard a lot about myself in the two years of my deconstruction. I have heard that I am demonic and need freedom. Let me turn that on its ear...I am freer in God than I have ever been. If I hate God, then why am I at church often? Why do I say the Nicene Creed with love and enduring faith? Why am I happy and have joy unexplainable? It's just silly. You can be gay and love God. It's not a dichotomy. I have also heard that I hate people. I don't. I don't have time for hate, and there is no time for that negativity. I would argue that what many call hate is really me speaking to power, and just because you don't like a message doesn't mean it's hate. It comes from the place of love. I honestly feel like I must share the truth I have found in hopes that those, who would likely stone me if they had the chance, would see that love is love and that everyone has a seat at God's table. Peace and love to you.

Why are you an atheist?

This is laughable. I am not an atheist, and I find it funny that it often comes from folks who were a part of my former spiritual background. Just because I have changed my theology doesn't mean I have left my faith. There was a season in my deconstruction when I felt like I would leave my faith, but the story and tradition of Jesus kept me in the fold. I am so grateful for that. So atheism is a hard pass for me. I also have and continue to have undeniable moments of God's presence. Now, they look a little differently these days and in the most unchurch moments, but God is still the God I have worshipped and loved all the time.

Why are you so bitter?

I am not bitter. I am mad as hell, but I am not bitter. I am angry that I saw in a church/faith tradition for 20+ years and heard how awful everyone else is, but we are perfect. I am happy in the place I am, and I feel like I am on the right side of love. Bitterness is a root, and I have killed that tree. I have compassion for people from both sides of the gay debate, but I do not hold back when one side tells the other that they shouldn't be allowed to marry, have a life full of love, or that they are less than others. I don't care about your political persuasion, but when you use your faith as a weapon, take sacred words out of context, and make them say what you want, there will be no silence from me. If I am sharing it on this blog, I assure you it's processed anger that I have gotten on the other side of and can now speak about. So, no, I am not bitter, but I will not be silent. I have never been good at that.

Why are you so in everyone's face?

I think you are misinterpreting what's happening. I am just me. I think sometimes people interpret you as saying, this is who I am for being in your face. This can be especially true if you disagree with someone's point of view. I am who I am, and while striving for a better version of myself, I will not apologize to anyone for being me. That's not in your face; that seems more like something you are projecting onto me. We all have insecurities, I have plenty, and I know that it seems relatively easy to project them, but the lesson I am learning is to explore those insecurities and work through them in faith, hope, and love. I implore you to look into your life and see why you've built that wall. Why have you chosen this path? Exploring yourself can be cathartic, and I would also argue is a requirement for anyone professing the Christian faith. So please take a deep long look into yourself. It's the only way through.

Why are you such a pawn for the gay agenda?

This is perhaps the most laughable of all the rumors/accusations. First, there is no gay agenda except for equal protection under the law. That's it. That's the whole agenda. No one wants you to lose protections under the law, but to have the same ones. I know that doesn't line up with a lot of the rhetoric under certain political persuasions, but I assure you that is all the handbook says. I got my manual right after coming out and looked it up very quickly. Of course, that's a joke, but you would think there's some formal process we are all under. Because people who are gay/queer are still being denied these things, we will continue to be vocal. This is also why we show up and are vocal about politics. Until the Supreme Court has decided your rights, I don't think you understand how important elections are. Also, I would like to say not one queer person I know has ever said that Christians shouldn't be allowed to practice their faith, but it's a hard pass on the Bible being used to dictate policies.

Why are you writing this stuff?

A straightforward answer, I hope that sharing my story will help those with a similar story. I needed someone to share these things while wandering and wondering in the desert of unbelief and the existential crisis I found myself in. I needed someone to say, "It's okay. You are loved, valued, and we see you." I want that for others. I want to share my experience so that if you have a similar experience, you can grab hold of these words and see yourself not as a flaw but as the incredible person you are. Since coming out, I have had incredible conversations with people who are not like me and are diametrically opposed to my identity.

Now, there you have it. This is the reason that I share so much of myself. Owning the narrative while sharing the truth about who I am and how I got here. Momma Brené Brown always says, in vulnerability, there is power, and I am constantly fighting with that. On the one hand, you get a lot of venom sent your way, but on the other, you get to say, "I was there, and now I am here." That metamorphosis, if you will, is essential. So many have known me as a particular person, and I was the best people pleaser you have ever known, but what I realized is that if you make everyone happy, you have done nothing but dilute your true self. Peace to you.

Vaya con Dios

-b