The Fine Art of Listening

My entire adult working life has been a lot of sitting in rooms with people with whom I disagree, don't understand their context, don't have common ground, don't share upbringing similarities, don't agree politically, or don't see eye-to-eye with them. I have learned through almost 15 years in the nonprofit sector that as soon as you think you know, you swiftly get reminded that you don't. I thought, given the time we're living in, I would should some of the things I have learned about hearing others.

I remember my first day at the High Plains Food Bank like it was yesterday. I didn't really understand what that organization did for our region, but as someone who lost their job during The Great Recession, I absolutely was willing to figure it out. The only problem is that I was woefully ignorant of the plight of those people living in the warzone of poverty and hunger. My political lens didn't allow me to have compassion for those sweet people who just wanted to feed their families. I thought shame was a good tool, and that food stamps and other programs should use shame as a motivator. Well, if you know anything about shame, it's not a motivator but a paralyzer. I thought, all these people need is just to budget better. It's actually funny to me now because if you make $40 more than your rent and car combined the math is super simple. One of my jobs at HPFB was to gather stories of families who were clients of the partnering agencies. I met a sweet family and began to ask them questions. I realized halfway in that their story was going to conflict with my internal thoughts about people that were hungry. Their story was profound, and like many who were fine and then an illness, car wreck, or job injury was just enough water to drown them.

Often I am in a room with someone who has a completely different context in life that is absolutely foreign to me. Growing up as a person of color, in a place that I have no idea about, a socioeconomic level that was not mine, or a religious conviction that I don't have are all people that my career has put me into conversations with.

Or I feel Him speak, "Today, you're going to understand why you believe what you believe to an even greater level." That's a lot of what I have found is the answer, just sitting and listening. Listening requires me not to respond. Much of our societal problems center around the idea that we aren't listening but thinking of how to respond. That is is so handicapping to your growth and understanding.

I think it's dangerous to only read and listen to things that make you comfortable. I think it's even more dangerous when your friends, family, coworkers, and etc. all think the same way you do. This just creates a wall around you and creates a really unhealthy echo chamber. I must say that the times I have grown the most and appreciated others is when they graciously and kindly corrected the wrong thinking. As a Christian, the Bible is constantly doing that to me. A lot of my friends have spoken things to me that hurt really good, but nonetheless were so needed in my life. I think there is real value when you can tell your friends, please don't take what I say, but challenge it. If you don't have that in your friendships, please add it. Listen to, read things, talk to people who have other opinions other than how you pain the world. The worst thing you can do is walk around judging everyone because they don't live up to your standard, while totally missing the fact that you were handed things that they never knew existed or were not even available. There is nothing worse than being insecure about your viewpoint so much so that you vilify that who sees it differently. Insecurity and ego are our worst enemies.

Given the large and deserved uproar right now in our country, I am learning a lot of stuff about myself that I never knew. I am also listening and learning a lot of our history that seems to have escaped the high school coaches that were my history teachers. Shame on me for not seeking a lot of this out until I am almost 40, but I do feel like I have not heard a lot of the things that I am hearing right now. In the weeks since the horrific murder of Mr. George Floyd, I have really had to evaluate what is my role in this, and how can I learn more about what is happening to people of color right now. I started by doing some homework. I have read books, watched documentaries, and exposed my own heart for things

We create a dichotomy.

It sure seems that everything is one way or the other like every issue is black or white, but we are so conditioned that we don't understand that we live in a sea of grey. Like if you choose to be Republican or Democrat that you are the worst thing ever. The problem begins when you make friends whose ideology is different than yours. Get close to people with views, thoughts, plans, socioeconomically different than you. Knowing people who are not like you, helps you understand that the issues and problems facing our society are complex and vast. If we don't do this, then we find it really easy to make choices that don't affect us but others who it affects detrimentally. It doesn't help that we have a two-party system. It doesn't help that the media has in many ways shaped our opinions of the opposing views. I like media, I am not anti-media, but all the 24-hour news channels are really terrible for our society. They all have opinionists with unbiased opinions, and often we conflate that for journalism. It is not. That is editorial which has a place in the news, but often it's all those channels have. It also doesn't help that we can turn on a news channel that agrees with our viewpoints. We love dichotomy because it gives a fence and a barrier to see others in their plight. We assume our systems are correct, that the judicial system is fair and accurate. We have found it is fallible.

I am not perfect at this, just ask my family. They think I am crazy half the time. I am learning what things are important and what isn't. I am learning to hold my tongue about things that don't matter as much as the things that matter greatly. I am learning that I need to listen more and talk a lot less. I am a work in progress but I will say that I feel like I have the ability to understand that things are not as clean-cut as we like them to be. Just give grace to people, and always assume you don't understand.