Saying goodbye is not for the faint of heart

"Mr. Carter, this is Cindy with The Craig, I hate to have to tell you this, but your mom has passed."

My mind went in a million directions, and the thought that made it through was that this was an obvious error. I said, "Oh, I think you have the wrong person; my mom is fine." She responded, "Mr. Carter, it's Rickki Carter in room #234. I am so sorry. We need you to come here, the police and EMTs are here, and they have some questions for you." I lost it. "Okay, I will head over there." I lost my mind. I was cognizant enough to remember that there was a very important meeting happening in the next room. I grabbed my bag and held it together, praying I didn't pass one of my coworkers in the hallway as I walked to tell the office manager that I needed to leave. "Janet, I am leaving, my mom.." I couldn't say it; the word wouldn't tumble out of my mouth. I gained my footing. "My mom died," I blurted out with the calmest voice. Looking at her computer screen, Janet screamed, "WHAT? What did you just say?" I found some deep guttural strength and mustered up, "My mom died." I immediately broke. The tears and snot came down my face like the first rains in spring. "Oh, Honey, I am so sorry," Janet jumped up out of her chair and bee-lined for me. "Do you need me to drive you?" I looked at her, and with the most impatient thoughts, because I just wanted to get to The Craig, I said, " No, I am fine. I will get there."

I got on the elevator and called my sister, and it went to voicemail. I called my best friend, and she answered, "Hey there, what's up?" I felt my mouth twitch and my body tense up. I was bawling. Charli said, "Oh my God, what's wrong? Where are you? What is going on?" My mind was processing the questions, and I blurted out, "My mom died." She immediately started crying and said, "Where are you? I am coming to get you." I didn't have the patience, and just then, my sister texted me, "I am having a serious conversation. What's up?" I said, "Charli, I have to text my sister; let me call you back." I texted my sister back, "Call me now, please." I was in the basement at my office by this time, and my sister called me. The phone couldn't connect, she called me back. The call dropped again. Finally, she got ahold of me. "Broc, what's up," she said. I was finding the words hard to find. My tongue didn't work, and my face muscles seized. "Nickki, mom is not alive," I blurted out. She screamed, "WHAT!" I found the strength and said, "Mom is not alive, I am headed to The Craig, and the police are there." Nickki immediately began to cry, "No, No, No, What? How could this be?" I immediately regretted this phone conversation. "I am so sorry; I am having to tell you this on the phone. They just called me," I said. "It's okay, I can't get off the floor, but I will come to The Craig with you," she said. I was on I-27 by this time, cursing the lane closure for the exit I needed. "Carter (my niece) is going to drive me. I will meet you there," Nickki said. We hung up. "OMG, I have to call Donna," I thought. "Aunt Donna, I wanted to call you..." My heart sank. I was going to have to say that word again. "My mom died today, and I am on the way to her apartment to talk to the police," I said. "WHAT!" screamed my Aunt Donna. I explained what was happening and that I would call her once I verified what I knew. We hung up, and I thought, "Okay, I have to Kaylee (my ex wife)." "Hello, Kaylee..." My mind was at the end of what it could process; I was bawling. "My mom died this afternoon. I am on my way to The Craig, I want to meet with the girls this evening to talk to them about this." Kaylee began crying, "Oh my God, Broc, I am so sorry. I will make sure they are ready for you. Just keep me updated."

I finally pulled up to The Craig. My mom's car was right beside me. I thought this was all a terrible misunderstanding. I got up to her room, and three staffers were sitting in the hall. Immediately, they met me as I walked towards my mom's door to hug me. Christy, who had called me, said, "The police are in there; go let them know you are here." I walked into my mom's apartment. It seemed like it took a lifetime to make the two right turns to her room. Then I saw it was all real. This was happening. My life was now different. This was the moment I never wanted to know, but here I was.

The young police officer stood in my way and blocked my view, "Mr. Carter, let's go out into the hall." They asked me questions that I knew the answers to, but the synapses in my brain couldn't put it together. I just mumbled and sat in a chair. When I was sitting there, one of the staffers said, "Oh, I think this is your sister." I looked up, Nickki and I caught each other's eyes, and I began to run towards her as she said, "IS IT TRUE!!" I nodded my head, yes, and we both fell to the ground. We were a puddle of mess, and my niece grabbed my arm and came in for a hug. "Oh, Carter," I said. "I am so sorry. This isn't what I wanted for you." We sat in the hall and waited for the police to come out. The word had gotten around the complex that mom had passed. Sweet little old ladies came up to us, hugged us, and told us how much they loved mom. Something about the way they said loved made me lose it. My mind had forgotten for just a few tender seconds that mom was; the is moments are no more. I realized this new normal, like getting kicked in the chest.

That was my day on March 29, 2022. The darkest day of my life. To say that this year's Mother's Day will be challenging is an understatement. My life since this day has been filled with tears and laughs and lots of reflection. Daily, I want to pick up the phone and talk through the grief with my mom. Sadly and beautifully, it's her death I’m mourning, so that thought leads to more tears. I have learned a lot about myself in the days since then. I realized that I was not prepared for this. Mom's death was sudden and unexpected. I am learning what grief looks like and how it's not like the books say it is. I am learning that I really loved my mom and that the pain of her death has caused me to appreciate the smallest little things. Like finding a note that she had written, and card, and some of her artwork. These things were totally just things, but now they are treasures. Treasures and pieces of paper that tell the story of a fearless woman who sacrificed herself for her children.

Mom was a single mother all of her motherhood. She was a nurse by trade, but you would call it a calling. She loved the profession. She was freaking good at it too. She hated to cook, and in fact, I learned to cook for survival. She was deeply rooted in her Christian faith. She would be totally mortified that we are mourning like we are because she always celebrated death. She often said, "Death is just the beginning of someone's life." That little phrase has brought me so much comfort in the days since she passed. Grief sucks; that's all I will say on the subject, but what makes life great is the tribe of support around you. People have been so kind to my sister and me. We are so grateful for the stories that have been shared. There are facets of our mom that we never knew until her death. She had friends from college that we met for the first time at the funeral. These women have been hanging out together for more than four decades. Going on trips, long phone calls, email chains, and sharing life together. They shared stories and pictures that are priceless to us today. What I didn't expect from her death was learning about things that I never knew. She had a sense of humor unlike anyone I have ever known, and I miss her pranking us mercilessly

We miss her terribly but also know she's in a better place. We know we'll see her again.