Dancing with Ghosts

As I have decided to live my truth, there are moments when I find myself fighting the things of the past. It comes in waves, and often, I find things/ideas/thoughts from the past bubble to the surface. It can rear its little head as I feel insecure about how things unfold. I even think it rises as I run into the past that is clothed with people who were friends.

I attend a weekly bible study where we look at Paul's first letter to the Galatians.

I hate Paul. Like HATE Him! It's primarily because, in evangelical circles, Paul's words are used as a weapon loaded and aimed at women, LGBTQIA+ folks, and many other groups that don't fit perfectly in the box people often put God in. In this study of Galatians, we have been taking it slowly and steadily and looking at all the cultural, symbolic framework, and Judaic laws Paul uses to disseminate the message.

I was confronted with our thinking and the scriptures used to control people in this study. As we go through the verses, I get lost in thought. The group is so wide open in opinions and perspectives. I often find myself approaching the conversation from precepts rooted in Evangelicalism. I make myself see the verse in a new way. In Evangelical circles, you adopt the idea that you can do anything through a scripture taken out of context.

A couple of weeks ago, I said, "I can't believe that I am going to defend Paul, but here I am defending him." To say that this process has been cathartic is much too small of an idea. I see that the ghosts of my past are not, in fact, ghosts but markers for me to see just how far I have come. At the end of the day, God is Love, and there are no buts in the statement.

A couple of weeks ago, our local news station shared an AP story about LGBTQIA+ folks and how often they have mental health struggles. You can imagine how toxic the comment section was. I did what I knew better and read some of the comments. Over and over, people said things like, "Being gay is a mental disorder, so why are you surprised," and still others said, "When you live in sin, of course, it affects mental health." Then there were people I formerly attended church together in the comments section with the meanest and nastiest comments. I felt my chest tighten and typed out equally rude and nasty replies. I deleted them and kept scrolling. I watched the post for the day and just was so disgusted by the vitriol by "Christians." So lost in the Jesus of their own understanding. I thought, how can one love Christ and yet hate his neighbor? I then thought, you know what, we are seeing Evangelical's mental illness right here. This is what it looks like. So, I commented, "I wish they would do this study on Evangelicals. You're seeing their illness in the comments."

The Evangelical mob didn't receive my comment well. I will never apologize for exposing the toxicity that exists with much of the white American Evangelical church. I never called out one person, yet that comment's cognitive dissonance made people feel attacked.

Fast forward two weeks, and I am sitting in my Bible study, and we are discussing the dynamics of Pauline study. We are discussing how individualism leads to what is happening in our society. The discussion was pointed out and caused a lot of contention. The depth of people in the room was astounding, and there were so many viewpoints. I found myself dancing with ghosts and seeing people as political pawns, not people. An older gentleman snapped my mind back into the right headspace. I was frustrated that I had allowed those thoughts of dismissal of people based on ideologies to get into my brain.

In the past few months, I have realized that dancing with ghosts can bring newness. I guess when you think about it, it makes sense. When we wrestle with the concepts that held us back and make peace with our former selves, only then can we begin the work of walking forward.