Coming Out Twice

Whenever you're around queer folks, the topic of your coming out seems to come up constantly, and then everyone in the group goes around and shares their coming out story. It builds comradery and trust. When you know how people were during their most vulnerable state, gives you a good indication of what they are like and why they have the perspective they do. For me, I always start by saying, "Since I am a little extra, I actually have two coming out stories." If I am around people that don't know me, then it always gets bewildered faces. So, I thought I would tell you just what my life was like getting to the place where I am now. And by that, I mean 100% comfortable in my own skin.

I want to first say that I have known I was gay my whole life, and while I grew up in the 80s and '90s in the Bible Belt, I felt like I could never tell a soul. That feeling comes from growing up in Evangelical churches that use shame and blame to manipulate you into believing that the way you were born was inherently wrong. They will also say that you were not born this way and have so many reasons to tell you that God doesn't do that. I always push back with (not a comparison) that there are children that are born with special needs, and do you say that they are wrong too? I am not comparing special needs kids with gay kids, just breaking the stereotype that see if you are born gay that something is wrong with you. Special needs kids are incredible, and so are gay ones!

Junior and high school were very tough for me, as they are for most LGBTQIA+ folks. I hated it. If you read an earlier post, then you know suicide was a possibility. Which is also, unfortunately, the norm in our society. I honestly don't want to go into a lot of detail, but I will say that many of the people that were terribly cruel have gone nowhere or have come out of their own closets.

In my freshman year in college, I decided I was going to come out. I felt a little bit free to be myself, although, if I am honest I was far from being myself. I made a plan to have THE conversation with my mom. My dad was not and is not in the picture. We had dinner and then I told her I needed to talk to her about something. I said, "Mom, I love you, and I know you won't agree with me, but I am gay." She immediately began to cry. That is a super-normal response. She asked if she could pray with me, which was weird because we were not super religious. The next week was super tumultuous. My mom had done some research and reached out to a megachurch for advice. I want to interject that often LGBTQIA+ people before/after coming out don't want to be gay. It's because society, especially West Texas society, makes you hate yourself.

My mom sent me to a 2-week "conversion intensive" in Waxahachie, Texas. There, I was given all kinds of spiritual manipulation and literally witchcraft to try and free me from being gay. I will admit, that I wanted to be there because I didn't want to go to hell. That line about going to hell was used over and over and over again in the intensive. Also, getting a bunch of gay kids together in an intensive setting wasn't the best thought-out plan. I know my mom did this to protect me and she later said she wanted to protect me from the hellish society that the church has created. During the days at the intensive, were reading all 7 instances where the word homosexual is used in the Bible, note not one in The Gospel. They would tell you how to "chant" that you weren't gay, and that you desired to be with a woman. They also went into how your mind was so deluded that you were choosing sin over light. That by "choosing" to be gay that you were choosing to live for satanic principles. They used confessionals to have you talk about your gay experiences and how you could redeem those moments. They said that even thinking sexually about another man was a sin. In other words, it was super toxic looking back.

When I came home, the megachurch my mom talked to set up counseling for me to meet with their pastors. One of the pastors said, "We just need to get you married, so you can have all the sex you want." I didn't have the word back then, I will say, I was super messed up by then, but even in my state of mind, I knew that this was terrible teaching. Being gay isn't about sex. It's about who you love and who you are attracted to. I met with pastors over the years and they gave me terrible advice. TERRIBLE. But I succumbed to the teaching and manipulations of these thoughts. I settled into the idea that sexuality was a choice.

I got married and I will not go into details about this relationship. I will say one thing, I did make it known upfront that this is "something I struggled with." Of course, I don't use that verbiage now. I will say, I can play the regret game all day, but then I get to the place where I wouldn't have my girls. So, while that conversion therapy was terrible and created toxic traits and things in me, I know that I went through it for the sake of my incredible daughters. NOW, I will fight tooth and nail so that no one EVER goes through that again.

After my divorce, I have been very candid in earlier posts that I started therapy, even before we had finalized it. In therapy, I learned that being gay was something that people were born with and that you shouldn't feel shame about those things. I walked through the childhood trauma that included being molested and abused by non-family members. I walked through all the terrible toxic church theology that told me I was going to hell. I then decided to live my true authentic self, as a gay man.

Coming out the second time was a much smoother process. I was more confident and had moved out of the toxic Evangelical theology. I will tell you the first thing I did was study the 7 scriptures commonly used to tell LGBTQIA+ folks they are an abomination. It's funny when you look at the cultural perspective, the word usage, and what the Bible said before 1946, it sure doesn't seem like the scripture says what it is believed to say. That's why it's important not to put your current culture into the scripture before you understand the hermeneutics. This blog isn't meant to debate, just to say that I believe I am a Christian, if you don't, then you can walk on by.

Let me state this on the record: If me being gay means I go to hell, I am happy to go because I will not serve the god of your own understanding. He hates all the same people you do. I have listened to your ridiculous logic that the devil is behind all the rocks and is pouncing on the people. If that is true, that is no god I will worship. The evangelical church is just a white-privileged country club with terrible membership practices and theology. And still, I have had people who I used to go to church with calling me and asking why I am choosing to be gay. One even said, "I hear you're gay now, what are you going to do when you go to hell." OUCH, that was not love, but I responded, "If I go to hell for being gay and you get to go to heaven, being the chosen asshole that you are, then I guess I will be happy to go." I don't think being gay is a sin, so it's not a thing that I worry about. If you would like to educate me or tell me I am cherry-picking, that's great. That's exactly how the Evangelical church functions: cherry-picking scripture to grift for cash.

My girls know that I am gay. We have had many conversations about it over the past two years. My youngest was learning about comparing and contrasting. She asked, "Daddy, would you rather go to McDonald's or Chick Fil A." I said, "I would rather eat at home." She protested, "But what if there was no food at home, what would you choose?" I said, "I don't choose either." She said, "I would like to go to Chick Fil A." I said, "That's great," She said, "You don't like Chick Fil A?" I responded, "They don't like me." We were in the car, and immediately they both perked up and asked why. I said, "They don't like gay people." My oldest said, "That's not okay, they should like everyone." My youngest said, "Dad, gay is who you love not who you are, they should like everyone." It was then I realized they get it. And just for those who will roll their eyes and tell me that I am indoctrinating my girls, my youngest then said, "Dad, is it okay for me to go to Chick Fil A?" I said, "Of course it is."

So life is good. When you live authentically and you are comfortable in your own skin and you own it all, there is power in that. The good news is, that I have found a faith community that is astounding and full of actual love. As one of the congregational sages said to me, "It's crazy what we can accomplish when we stop judging."

To the people who knew me in the other faith setting and feel like I wasn't being honest, let me tell you what I think. I heard the cruel and crass things you said about people who came out as gay. I heard the name-calling, the using of the Bible as a weapon, the toxic hate you spewed, and let me tell you, YOU WERE NOT SAFE. I was never going to be authentic around you because you were never taught true authenticity, so you couldn't be authentic around me. If I could choose to be gay, I would be gayer.

Peace be with you.

P.S. A really great book to read: Walking the Bridgeless Canyon: Repairing the Breach Between the Church and the LGBT community

Buy your copy HERE!